Dear J. Cole: You Didn't Just Let Nas Down. You Let Me Down Too

I remember it like it was yesterday. The first time I had truly felt connected to you through your lyrics. Years ago, I had purchased your album "Born Sinner." I am unsure why I purchased it, but I did. I was not a fan of yours at the time and I certainly wasn't a huge fan of rap. It was almost like I felt led to it.

It wasn't as if it was the first time I had ever heard of you. I had heard of a lot of different rappers; but music had never been a passion for me as it is for many others. The only time I remember identifying myself as a fan of rap music was during my teenage years. However, that phase did not last long. In my opinion, a dope ass beat could never bring any real value to a song. Especially, if the artist wasn't talking about anything that I could relate to. And most of what I had always heard, was so far removed from anything I believed or stood for.

When I played your album for the first time, I remember thinking that it was a waste of my money because it couldn't hold my attention. I didn't play it again for a long time, but once again, I felt drawn to listen to it one more time. The song "Runaway" came on. Mike Epps was on the intro of it and he had me laughing a bit. I thought to myself "ain't that just like these dusty ass men. Always lying, putting on a front, and whole time they ain't shit." Thinking back, I don't know why I kept listening. I just did.

Then it happened. The moment of our deep connection hit. The second verse of the song rang in my ears:

"When it's all said and done everybody dies. In this life ain't no happy endings. Only pure beginnings followed by years of sinning and fake repentance. The preacher says we were made in image of Lord to which I replied: "Are you sure? Even the murderer? Even the whore? Even the nigga running through bitches on tour?"

My mind immediately stopped wandering as it normally does and I found myself hanging on to your every word. I thought to myself "Damn. This man is deep!" I had never met someone before, let alone a man, who questioned things at a deeper level the way that I always had. I was always told I thought too much into stuff and was made to feel wrong for having these types of questions. My grandfather, who is a devout Christian, would never appreciate these types of questions. Especially ones he couldn't answer.

Then verse three hit my speakers:

"Old perverted white man who told me: "Jermaine, It's all pink on the inside. Fuck what color their face is." Wise words from an indecent man. Made me reflect on the times when we was three fifths of them. And change empower less, brave souls reduce the cowardice. Slaving in the baking sun for hours. Just to see the master creep into the shack where your lady at. Nine months later got a baby that's not quite what you excepted.

But you refuse to neglect it cause you know your wifey love you. Does you refuse to accept it? That's that type shit that tell why my granny light skin. Rich white man rule the nation still, only difference is we all slaves now. The chains still concealed in our thoughts. If I follow my heart to save myself, could I run away from 50 mill like Dave Chappell?"

I was literally floored. It was almost like you had stolen my deeper inner thoughts and placed them into your song. It was at this moment that I deemed you "My Best Friend Soul Mate." The way I would explain your title to my friends was that you and I were destined to be best friends. I knew that if I was to ever get in a room with you, we would sit and talk for hours.

I would fully understand you and for the first time, you would be someone who fully understood me. I wanted to talk to you about everything from racial identity as a Biracial Black person, racial trauma, colonization, and the impact of slavery on our people. Everything.

From that point forward, I had become a dedicated fan of yours. I listened to that album from top to bottom on the daily. I impatiently awaited every album thereafter to drop in stores and some knowledge on me. I would listen to each word you spit in search of insight, wisdom, symbolism, acceptance, and validation. No other Black male in my life and in my social interactions had ever been able to give me what I was now receiving from your lyrics.

The best part of this connection I had with you was that I had yet to meet you in person. This gave room for me to create the image of who I believed you to be. This image I had of you (deep, caring, compassionate, validating, vulnerable, accountable, and an advocate) had given me hope that there are good men in this world.

I would be lying if I told you that I didn't see any flaws in your music or any red flags in your behavior. There were several songs that you created to be full of misogyny and blatant disrespect for Black women. I would be lying if I told you that those songs didn't bother me. But I was sure that the only reason that you would ever fix your lips to disrespect a Black woman was because you were unaware of what you were doing. This had to be unconscious indoctrinated colonized beliefs that you had yet to discover you had. So I just ignored them.

Over time, I had become hella loyal to you. I had never been to a concert before in my life and never truly cared to go to one. But when I heard you were in-town I pressed my way to see you. The shit was crazy because it was like you and I were both therapists to our people. Me professionally and you through music. I'm thinking like "damn, is this man my long lost brother or some shit?"

I carried you as if you were indeed my biological brother. And one thing about me, I don't play about my brothers. I would argue people down about how slept on you were and how you were literally the best rapper in the game. The only one to follow you would be Kendrick Lamar, my second favorite rapper.

I truly felt when you would feel disappointed because you weren't getting the recognition you deserved. I remember once, I even commented on your tweet to remind you that you were never supposed to fit in with everybody else. When you dropped the album "The Off-Season" I knew something was off with you. This wasn't your typical work. I could tell shit was getting to you regarding the way you were continually slept on as far as what you brought to the world. But healing is not often celebrated in such a toxic oppressive industry.

As I continued in my own career as a mental health therapist for BIPOC communities, I was beginning to feel more and more helpless about the division between Black men and Black women. I had tried to find so many approaches to healing this divide, but I was running out of possible solutions. And let's just be real honest, outside of you, I had a deep anger and disconnect toward Black men myself.

Unlike the dominant narrative pushed about Black fathers and their presence in their children's lives, both my father and grandfather had assumed the majority of the responsibility in raising me and my sister. My mother abandoned my sister and I at a young age. Therefore, while I did not know what love was, I had a good idea of what it wasn't: abandonment. I looked to my father and grandfather to put the rest of the pieces of the definition of love together for me.

I was a very intuitive child and I had this ability of knowing things that no one had to verbally tell me. I knew that my grandfather and father were both very angry and violent because they were somehow broken and hurting. Being that I was a child whom was dependent on them for my survival, I made it my responsibility to fix them and make them happy. If they did not know how to love me, I would simply remove what was keeping them in the dark and lead them to light and healing. I would be the one to teach them everything they needed to know so that I could get my emotional needs met.

Recently, while on my daily nature walk, the solution to my helplessness in fixing the plight of the Black male and Black woman hit me! We don't understand each other. We cannot recognize how systemic racism and patriarchy is the true villian in our story. Not each other. You were the first person that came to mind J.

It was at this moment that I realized why I had felt so connected to you. We had work to do together! If I could just get in the same room with you, I would be able to give you the understanding that you needed to finally fight for Black women the same as we have been historically fighting for the healing and restoration of Black men! I could hear your perspective on what it's like to be a Black man and the pressures that has been placed on you. We could do a podcast, or maybe even write a book! So much healing would take place!

In all of my excitement, I was telling a friend of this plan that I had devised to get in front of you. My friends know that once I put my mind to something, there is no doubt that it will be manifested. He asked me one question that shook my whole world. He asked "what are you going to do if you meet J. Cole and he is not who you imagined him to be?" Shit. What would I do? How would that impact me? You represent the good in men that I refuse to believe no longer exist.

His question brought me back to another one of those moments where you had engaged in misogynistic behavior and I made the very conscious choice to ignore it and make excuses for you. The rapper "No Name" had taken to twitter to voice frustrations behind her perceived lack of commitment from Black entertainers to the fight against systemic racism and violence which had claimed so many Black lives. I felt that frustration too.

Your ego had led you to believe that the tweet was somehow about you. I still struggle with that assumption knowing your involvement in the uplifting and empowerment of Black lives throughout most of your career. In turn you released "Snow On Tha Bluff." That one hurt J.

But let me explain why. You had the opportunity to do what I just proposed earlier. It didn't have to be with me, It just had to be. Instead of creating a symbol of restoration among Black men and Black women, you created further division. I am pretty sure if you were to ever respond to my letter, you would remind me of all the ways you apologized and made effort to support what she was doing.

I waited three years to interpret your true intentions behind those apologies. It's been three years and I have heard nothing in your music, lyrics, or outside ventures that speaks to the plight of Black women. Or to the fact that we not only have to continually guard ourselves from the oppressive hand of racism, but from your hands too. Have you challenged yourself to become a Black feminist in the same way you call on White people to practice antiracism and become an ally? You let me down J.

I now realize that, I as a biracial Black woman, have done the same with you that I have done with every Black male that has been a part of my life out of mere survival and indoctrinated beliefs. I created this illusion of who you are. I fed myself lies to give myself hope. I gave you my loyalty. I fought for you, felt for you, cried for you, advocated for you.

I made it my responsibility to guide you and teach you when you were fully capable of doing it yourself. I told myself you just didn't know, but the truth is you just did not care. I studied you. I became aware of your emotions in the same way I had to do with my father, grandfather, and past intimate partners out of fear that I will once again take the fall when they were not able to self-regulate or self-soothe.

You let me down and while it is not your job to pick me back up, it is your responsibility to use your voice to eradicate the system of patriarchy in the same you expect White entertainers to use their voice to eradicate the system of racism.

My innate strength as a Black woman has always given me the power to pick myself up and push to thrive in a world that almost everyone hates me in. I choose to no longer focus my energy and efforts on those who will not reciprocate the same.

With that being said, if you see this and you want to do the work, you know where to find me.

Sincerely,

One of Your Biggest Fans.